I want you to know how much I treasured this season of just having you. You were (are) our firstborn. We pioneered into parenthood and God chose you to be the one who broke that ground with us. It's just the seedling stage, but one day we'll look back on these rough and beautiful years to realize we were cultivating the beginnings of our family tree. Will more babies come after this? I truly don't know, even though I dare to hope for that in my heart. Who can see our future, besides God? All I know is that for today, right here and now, it's just me and you and Daddy. And it's good. The sort of good that roots itself deep into my bones and stays with me. Just like I've carried you, I'll carry the memories from these days with me; a happy burden to bear for the rest of my days.
But something I'm realizing, as much as it aches my heart, is that you most likely won't remember much of when it was this way. Perhaps there'll be flickerings of memories in the corners of your mind. Maybe you'll remember the scent of lavender lotion at bedtime or touching the rough skin of curling Autumn leaves or the swaying motion of us walking together. Maybe you'll recall my laughter, the way it felt to be lifted Daddy's strong hands and the feeling of knowing you were home with us. This part of your life is fading swiftly, but like the colors of Fall, it's beautiful as it dies away. So here I am, your silly, sentimental mama, making metaphors and trying my best to store these days away someplace safe. Perhaps we'll take them out to admire together one day.
I'll tell then you how you brought magic back into our life. The innocent and pure kind that pulls everything into it's orbit. With you, colors were brighter and skies were bigger. You helped us to slow down, to notice the tiny and the precious. You showed us how to be brave. You taught us what it means to really love one another. We've learned how far we needed to stretch to wrap one another close. You made us softer, thin and threadbare-like, and we're all the better for it.
The other day, we took you out to introduce you to my favorite Autumn-time tree. We wandered around her, admiring her golden coat, watching her dance. You were amazed by it all, but I'm the one wonder-struck by you. Your eyes, like tiny navy oceans, reflecting the person you're becoming and changing into. I can't keep you like this. I can't carry you forever.
But know this, little growing one, God used you to awaken this mother-love in my soul and for that I will always be grateful. You were the first, and I'm so glad it was you.
Video shot by my husband, Jonathan
Music is Baleen Morning by Balmorhea
As always, you can find day-to-day glimpses of our life over on my Instagram account: @breabird