I knew of my daughter months before I took a pregnancy test. I knew because Jesus told me about her.
I don't remember the date but I do remember exactly where I was and what it felt like to be spoken to so clearly and internally. I was laying on our bed one afternoon, trying to rest my eyes for a bit. Suddenly, two thoughts blossomed like quick springing shoots in my mind:
You're pregnant.
It's a girl.
I mentioned it to Jonathan, but honestly, didn't take it too seriously. And then when my pregnancy was confirmed and the accompanying months of sickness followed, I couldn't think of much else but just trying to get through all of it. I confess that all along I'd hoped for a daughter, but being my pessimistic self, had deemed it too good to be true.
But that's the thing about the plans of God: in the end, they're never too good to be true.
I'm not saying that if our baby would have been a boy that God's plans for our family wouldn't have been good. I know without a sliver of doubt that another son and brother for Behr would have been just as thrilling and wanted. But for this pregnancy, God in His kindness saw the intimate desires of my heart for a daughter and said, "Yes, Breanne."
I'm still in the daydream state of mind when I think about it. This baby that rolls and kicks under my skin every night around 10pm, is a girl. Behr has a sister. We have our daughter. And while we have no idea what her state of health will be when we meet her or even how long she will be with us, I can humbly say that we are so thankful to have been entrusted with the gift that is her life. Oh, the good gifts Jesus gives!
{A little back story that makes my heart giddy: Jonathan's dad, John, has almost exactly the same sort of story about Jesus telling him of their only daughter. Jonathan's mom was pregnant for the fourth time (they'd had all boys up until that point). John said he was driving somewhere alone when suddenly, as clear as day, God told him the baby would be a girl. And it was as simple and wonderful as that. I love that we have similar stories. How cool is that?}
To my Baby Girl,
This is my first letter to you since finding out you are, you. We did the gender reveal quietly at home this time and it was perfect. We had a store cashier place either a brown stuffed bunny or a white stuffed bunny into a brown paper bag after letting her see the results from your ultrasound. Once we got home, we put your brother on the couch and gave him the bag and told him to open it. When he pulled that soft, white bunny from the bag, I gasped. My chest expanded to exploding in an instant. Tears lined my eyes and my throat felt like sandpaper as I grabbed your Daddy's hand. A girl, a girl! You were what my heart had longed for all along and I will always love telling you so. I don't know much about you right now except that you've been very good at making your presence known from the beginning. Everything with you has been earlier and more intense than things were with your brother. From morning sickness, to daddy being able to feel your kicks at 15 weeks (I didn't even feel big brother first flutters until 16 or 17 weeks) you have strongly proclaimed that you are here. And we love it. We love you, baby girl. Oh, yes. We love you.
ps. For now, we call you 'Bunny'. You'll get a proper name eventually. But you've earned this nickname because of how we found out your gender (the white bunny) and of how strongly and consistently you kick Mama. It's really the perfect name for your darling little self. We all can't wait to meet you, Bunny.
Love, Mama