a place for scout--in partnership with dock-a-tot

Our girl is eleven weeks old now. Before she came, I was nervous about helping her find her place here; this whole adjusting to life with two babies thing. I was especially stressed over the simple practicalities of it all. Where would I put the baby when I needed to get something done that required both my hands and wasn't suitable for baby wearing (e.i cooking over the stove)?  What if Behr needed me to help him with something and the baby also wanted to be held? And there's was the (somewhat selfish?) dilemma of not wanting  our home to become cluttered with an overwhelming amount of baby gear. 

I had seen a number of mamas who used Dock-A-Tot and I wanted to try it for Scout. So, I reached out to their company and asked if they would be willing to send one over for me to review on my blog. They did, and I'm so grateful because I'm not exaggerating when I say we use ours everyday. 

Our Dock-A-Tot Deluxe arrived just in time for Scout's first trip to Tennessee. We weren't sure how she was going to sleep during the trip as she's never slept anywhere at night except for our home. I'm thrilled to report that she LOVED it and slept soundly (and safely!) in it for hours everytime we put her in it. We especially loved that we didn't have to bring an extra pack-n-play. Anything to lessen the amount of stuff you have to bring on trips with two children is wonderful in our book! 

I know I've mentioned it before but, we try to invest in baby gear that's both functional and beautiful. It might sound shallow, but it's a teeny-tiny way to lessen my inner stress levels. We look for baby/kid products that meet needs, have a pleasing atheistic and enable us to have less things altogether in our home by having more than one function (this is one of the many reasons I love babywearing but that's a post for another day). 

The Dock-A-Tot is just such a product. Scout loves it and I've even caught Behr trying to us it a few times. :)

I am  truly, honestly, thankful for companies like Dock-A-Tot that think through issues families with new babies might have and design products to help out. We love how our Deluxe has helped this potentially intense transition go a bit easier on all of us. 

So, here we are, a little over two months into life with her and I'm so thankful that helping Scout fit in hasn't been nearly as stressful as I thought it would be. I know that our rhythms as a family of four will ebb and flow--especially in the coming months!--but for now, we seem to have found where we belong. How thankful I am that it's here, in that tender, beautiful heart-place called Together. 

when healing looks different than you thought it would

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I wanted to get out of the house, take some pictures and seek some beauty together. But I think what I really hoped for was to twist open the release valve on my thoughts. I needed this pressure inside my head to release. 

I mentioned to Jonathan that, "Maybe could go to the park?" It would be golden hour. Perfect for pictures and a bit of breathing room before the delving into the bedtime routine we've been struggling so much with. But as he finished up supper and helped get Behr ready to go, I watched as the valley's rim thirstily drank up the last of the day's sunshine. All that light I'd been counting on was sinking  into the grey clouds and my heart right along  with it. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

We hurriedly loaded both kids in the car and drove over to the spot I had in mind, all while I swallowed my disappointment and adjusted my vision to reconcile it with reality. We unloaded from the car and stepped out onto the cold, green grass. I gasped inwardly at what I saw.

This isn't what I thought it would look like, it was better. 

I'd never seen a sunset like this one. A thin veil of fog curled delicately from the ground like a bridal veil. The sky was blending and changing; a beautiful dance of pink and yellow spires. Even though the sun had disappeared behind the hills for the night, this felt in every way like a sunrise. 

It's been two months since Scout slipped from my body into the world. Two months of rejoicing and adjusting and trying to figure out one another all over again. It's been a happy time, but also a weird mix of conflicting emotions. 

The truth is, I'm still trying to reckon with the fact that nearly a year of our life got sucked into the growling belly of a monster called antepartum depression. And not only that, but I also spent months bedridden from morning sickness and multiple viruses while Jonathan worked the most overtime he's ever had and Behr refused to sleep normally.  Our marriage, my relationship with Behr, our church life--all of it--was switched into survival mode during that time. Head down. hunched shoulders against the wind, one foot in front of the other. Just. Get. Through. It. 

I've never known loneliness and despair like that.

 I guess in a wayI'm just now mourning what took place. It was the hardest thing we've ever endured as a family. It changed us. The ground shook as the plates of our familiarity shifted. And honestly, we're over here still trying to find our footing. 

Our visit to the park was wrapping up, bedtime was waiting to be attended to but we just couldn't leave. At least not yet. As the sun sank lower into the West, we watched amazed as the sky grew increasingly vibrant. Color leaked from the clouds and splashed into the valley like a rose-shaded waterfall. Pink was everywhere. On the brim of our hats, tangled up in Behr's curls, kissing Scout's round cheeks. The was earth blushing at the scandal of this sort of unexpected beauty.

And I couldn't believe that right when things were supposed to be turning their bleakest was when it all became the most glorious. 

I know from past experience that God never allows hardship into our life without purpose.  That doesn't mean we can't feel disappointment or confusion over the fact that they had to happen in the first place. This world is broken and it's ok to be angry alongside the heart of God over that. 

As Ann Voskamp once wrote: "You don't judge your feelings; you feel your feelings--and then you give them to God."

So this is me giving my (frustrated, disappointed, hurt, sad, scared) feelings over to Jesus; trusting full well that His love is big enough to hold me while I struggle through them and strong enough to speak healing truth into me when dark emotions overwhelm my spirit.  

And, regardless of what I feel, the reality is I'm not the One holding the pen that's writing our story, Jesus is. And like any good Author, He's been weaving a much more intricate, exciting outcome than I could ever hope for all along. Here's to remaining faithful  while reading through the hard chapters of our life, amen? 

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from who every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more than we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations, forever and over. Amen."

-Ephesians 3:14-21

tending our garden-life with two children

"Come to my garden.  Rest there in my arms. 
There I'll see you safely grown and on your way."

 -Secret Garden

Two months ago, Jonathan and I joyfully stepped into our new roles as parents of two children. We're still very much adjusting and tweaking our approaches to, well, everything. Our marriage, our budget, our time, our daily routine. It's been a dance for sure and one that I'm not sure we'll ever know all the steps to. And maybe, we're not meant to master this. Perhaps we're simply supposed to listen for music Jesus writes and let Him direct our rhythm no matter how much we fumble through. 

I'm finding that life with two children is, for lack of a better word: more. More satisfying. More exhausting.  More grace-inducing. More abundant and beautiful and messy and good all at once. 

There have been moments when I feel my knees buckling--at both the good and hard--intensity of what our life can look like. 

"They both need all of me right now." I can't do this. 

"They both need all of me right now." Isn't that wonderful?

As I've mentioned before, Jonathan works a demanding job (twelve hour shifts, three in row, alternating between day shift and night shift each time, plus a thirty minute commute). To say it mentally and physically exhausts him is an understatement.

While we're thankful for the income, we're hollow inside from the stress of it. It drains both of us to work alone for such long periods at the different roles we have in our family. Since Scout came, the fight to invest in time together as been at an all time high. There has been little communication which has led to miscommunication (which is a nice way of saying we've fought over stupid stuff a lot). But there's also been lots of "I'm sorry's" and napping together because, in our family, we believe that sleep and apologies can fix just about an relational problem. 

For me, parenting two children is easier than I thought because I've got more experience and confidence than I did my first time. And parenting two children is also harder because it required more of me than thought it would. Also, I'm more tired now. But am I allowed to say it's a good tired? As in, when I finally climb into bed and the fatigue I've been ignoring for hours settles on me like a heavy blanket, I feel two things: pride and thankfulness. I'm proud of how hard I work each day and I'm soul-deep thankful that Jesus gives me the ability to do it all. 

@brittanymramussen asked me on Instagram how I handle bedtime routines with both children. It's gotten a bit easier now but, at first it was really hard! Babywearing definitely helped on the nights Jonathan had to work. There were several nights of me putting Scout in the Solly and then singing Behr his lullaby while carrying both of them. It was exhausting, but doable. Now, because Scout is more predictable, I start Behr's routine about 40 minutes earlier than I used to. That way I can at least get Behr down and then tend to Scout. Sometimes that means she has to cry for a few minutes while I'm tucking him in, which I hate. But it's impossible for me to be in two places at once. If only! 

Overall, I'd say we're all still trying to figure out our places, Behr especially. He just so happened to turn three and start potty training right after we brought a new baby into his life. It's such a large upheaval of his little world that we feel for him, poor guy. He's very tender with his new sister and aware of her presence but is still trying to understand all the changes. I'm proud of how he's trying to adapt. It's not easy to grow up.

I hope one day we can tell Behr and Scout about the magic that sprouted in our orderly little garden once they arrived. It was as if we had our neat rows all tilled and tidied up and then suddenly there were two delicate, foreign plants that required our constant attention. This one needs direct sunlight, don't over water it! This one needs shade and fresh water daily! This one needs room to grow wild. This one needs a tight pot with dense soil. Prune this one carefully. Let this one rest and root deeply. And on and on it's went, learning to tend our babies and guard them as they grow. What a gift it is to experience this with them! 

So much of what I hear about this phase of parenthood from others who've gone before is that, "It all goes so fast!" And, my oh my, do I agree. And yet, I feel a glory-weight slowing down how I perceive this season. I felt it when we were putting Behr to sleep and I overheard Behr tell Jonathan, "I so happy you're home!" And I then turned around to see him cupping Daddy's face in those tiny, dimpled palms of his. I felt it when Scout's mouth split open in a gummy smile at 4am after nursing. I swear I saw starlight in her eyes.  I felt it when Jonathan pulled me in close to tell about how much he loves my body even though it wears the marks in all the worst places of bearing our children. 

In those moments, I believe God is tethering my heart to this specific time. Don't miss this. You will only pass this way once. Open your heart to see the beauty. You're walking on holy ground now. 

And so if you were to ask me what life is like with a three year old and two month old, I'd most likely refrain from mentioning how tired we are or how frustrated I get never truly being alone because those are small prices to pay for the grace we're experiencing as a family. 

So life with two? Yes, it's hard and messy. But I've never known growth--in any form--to look different. So here's to kneeling down to plunge our hands and hearts fully into the the rich, soil of raising our babies. 

What glorious, needed work we've been entrusted with.